Twilight Sedation
by Gypsy Love
Summary: A dramatic twist on a season 3 storyline, rotating first person point of view. Review? Please? Flames of course are welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Craig…

"Emma, you…you just but out," Emma, always sticking her nose in. And I know she's gonna stick up for Manny like always. It doesn't matter anyway, she doesn't want to be a mom now so how can I convince her? How can I convince her that I need this? That I need to have a family that is for me. She doesn't know what it's like to be the third wheel all the time, to see those looks Joey has sometimes like he never bargained for this, raising some stupid kid that isn't even his.

"Craig, I agree with you! If Manny wasn't my friend I would be furious with her, but she is my friend,"

Emma's little speech surprised me, I figured she'd be all militantly on the side of abortion. But it comes down to the same thing, in a way. She's still on Manny's side. If Emma wasn't here butting in maybe I could convince Manny not to do it.

"But it's my baby," God what a fuck up I am. Screwed things up with my father, not doing all that great at Joey's, now this baby and Manny's going to kill it. I wish I could do just one thing right, for once.

"In Manny's body. What about her?"

Manny had this funny still look, like she was resolved about this and nothing would change her mind. Emma stood near her like she was guarding her. Guarding her from me because if Emma wasn't here I could pull Manny off to the side somewhere and talk to her until she could see that it, it wasn't right. It wasn't what she should do. It was my baby, too.

So that was it. Beaten again. I couldn't win. So I took off and left them there alone.

Emma…

I watched Craig go and I could have cried for what I saw in his eyes. That desperate agony. Maybe my dad felt like that before he went and took acid, maybe he felt powerless to help my mom when she was pregnant with me but at least my mom had me even though she was too young. Manny could, too. It would be hard. I know that. But sometimes things are hard, that's just how life is. Manny always wants the easy way out. She doesn't want to have to think and she doesn't want to be different and she…but that doesn't matter because it is her body. If it was me I'd make a different decision.

Manny…

It was so easy for Emma to say, 'have that kid,' because she didn't have to do it. Spike would support her. My father would kill me, send me to the Philipines to that stupid convent. It was bad enough my mother had to know. She was so mad at me, so disappointed. Craig's reaction was just…weird. He's 15, for goodness sake, why does he want a kid now? Not that Joey would really do anything to him, maybe give him a lecture or something and then he'd help him out, probably let him rent an apartment somewhere and hire babysitters so Craig could still go to school and be in the band and do everything he does right now. Fine for them. I'm the only one with consequences from this thing. And I'd have to get all fat, not them. And I'd have to give birth, not them. So it isn't up to them.

Still, it felt kind of terrible when they both left me all alone in the hall like that, just because I wouldn't do exactly what they wanted.

Craig…

I just walked through the city, fast. I couldn't be around anyone right then. Maybe Marco, he'd be okay. Not Joey, no way. He'd keep asking me what was wrong, hounding me until I told him. Sometimes it felt like he had to know everything.

This past week when I thought Manny would have it, I felt so happy, like finally I could belong somewhere. I hadn't belonged anywhere since my mom moved out. And God, that was when I was eight. She moved out and everything turned to shit.

Emma…

Manny wasn't as mature as me which was one argument for the abortion. I walked home kind of slow, thinking about it. I was trying really hard not to be mad at her. This is real friendship, sticking by people when they are making mistakes. Manny was immature and I thought she wouldn't realize the regret this would cause. She was taking someone's life, a unique individual person who would never exist again. Sure, she might be a mom someday when she's older and more able to…deal with it. But that new baby wouldn't be this one. I didn't quite think that Manny understood this.

Manny…

I felt nervous, especially with my mom looking at me all sad like that. We had promised not to tell daddy. I never would.

The drive to the clinic was silent and I tried not to think about the baby, tried to think of it as just a procedure, like getting your tonsils out or something.

The clinic had a funny smell, like bleach and alcohol and something else I'd never smelled before, it made me feel sick. My mom smiled at me with the saddest smile I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe how much I screwed up.

"Ready?" she said to me, her voice having that accent that was starting to sound more foreign to me all the time.

"Yes. I'm ready,"

Craig…

I had to go home sometime. It wasn't that late yet. I'd only walked for about an hour.

"Where were you, Craig?" Joey, his voice just on the verge of getting angry. I shut the door behind me and took off my coat. I hated how I cringed and tensed up when Joey was angry because I thought he'd hit me. I mean I knew he wouldn't, if he didn't when I stole that car off his lot he probably never would. But I'd been on the look out for that kind of anger from my dad for so long that it just wasn't going away and my fucking dad was dead, so it would never go away. I was fucked up permanently.

"Nowhere. Just out," I went upstairs to my room, sat on the bed, stared at the wall. I'd never felt worse.

Emma…

I watched my mother with Jack, watched her put him down and start making supper. I narrowed my eyes. She thought the abortion was perfectly okay, she was going to abort Jack. She probably wanted to abort me, just didn't get around to it in time. Guess I'm lucky that my mom was in more denial than Manny in these early stages.

Manny…

My mother couldn't go into the room with me, no one could. It was something I'd have to do alone. That was how it was, I supposed.

Everything was sterile, everything except for me. I was in a paper gown and nothing else, sitting on the paper covered steel table. The paper on the table and the paper of the gown was the same white, thin crinkly paper, and it rustled every time I moved.

"Manny, you have a choice," the old nurse said, her face had lines in it. She was older than my mom.

"You can be unconscious during this procedure or you can have conscious sedation,"

"What's that?"

"It's where you aren't completely put out from the medicine, not asleep, but sort of like you're dreaming. We call it twilight sedation,"

I could hear the crinkly papers rustling and could smell that funny horrible bleach alcohol smell and I could see every line in this old nurse's face.

"I want to be unconscious," I said. I didn't want to be aware of this at all, not even aware of it like a dream.

"Okay,"

They said to lie down on the table and I did, and from the corner of my eye I saw a steel tray that was gleaming clean, a steel tray with a lot of long sharp steel instruments on it. Then they put a black mask that had a hose connected to it, they put this mask over my nose and mouth and said to breathe.

"Just breathe normally,"

I did but the air in the mask tasted funny, like a pink taste, almost like candy might taste if it didn't have any sugar. I remembered the time I went on that date with Craig, the cotton candy and the carnival and everything and how I loved him. I really really did, I didn't just think it or have a crush, I was, and still was, in love with him. He was mad at me now. I think I might have started to cry, thinking about that and breathing in that weird pink air in the black mask. Then I started to feel real funny and I felt like I was leaving, just sort of drifting away.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma

I had resolved to be a good friend. Turns out I never got the chance. Next day at school Manny wasn't there, and I didn't think it was all that unusual. She just had an abortion, and I knew that was like having wicked cramps. Craig came up to me, all worried, his hair wild and curly around his face. He was so different this year, different in so many ways.

"How's Manny?" he said, peering at me with his hazel eyes. I shrugged.

"I don't know. Haven't heard from her,"

He was different. Taller, his shoulders were broader, and his whole demeanor, it was different. Maybe it was because he lived with Joey. Maybe it was because he was just older. But I looked at him and couldn't imagine what I had seen in him.

Craig

I hadn't realized she wouldn't be here. I thought it was something more simple, like getting a tooth pulled. The fact that she wasn't here made it worse, like what had happened was worse.

Emma

I fully resolved to go and visit Manny when I got home. I walked into the house, threw my stuff down, and yelled to my mom.

"Hey mom, I'm going to visit Manny!" I was almost set to go to when my mother appeared in the doorway from the kitchen, baby Jack on her hip.

"Em, wait,"

Something in that tone, that look in her eyes. I'd heard that tone and seen that look all my life. It wasn't good.

"What?" The desperate pleading in my voice, 'don't tell me bad news' pleading.

"You better sit down," she said, her voice little girl squeaky. My eyes widened. Sit down news. I couldn't take it. Always prolonging the bad news with her little phrases, 'I have something to tell you, sit down,' If I ever have kids I'm just going to spit out the bad news, whether they're sitting or not. So I sat, to appease her, so I wouldn't faint if the news was bad enough. I sat on the edge of our old couch, hands on my knees, and waited for her bomb shell.

"Em, it's about Manny…" Manny. A million things began to race through my mind. Her dad found out and was sending her away, her parents kicked her out of the house, she was in the hospital due to some horrible complication from the abortion. A million terrible things.

"What about her?"

"This is hard to say. She had anesthesia when she had the abortion, and there is a risk with that, a small risk, but still…anyway, she died,"

I heard her say it. I heard the words, of that I'm quite sure. But they didn't register. They didn't register at all.

Craig

I thought about calling her but I was chicken shit. How do you call a girl who just aborted your kid? Maybe I wouldn't call her. I'd wait a few weeks and then talk to her at school, maybe.

"Craig? You okay?" Joey, glancing at me. I was just sitting in the living room, just staring off into space.

"God, Joey, don't you ever work?"

"Closed up early. Nothing was selling anyway. What is up with you? You've been moping ever since you got home,"

I sighed, told him nothing. I couldn't tell him, tell him I got a girl pregnant, a 14 year old girl. A child. Manny was a child, really. I, what a fuck up, I couldn't tell him.

A knock at the door. I didn't get up to get it, I didn't care. Joey glanced at me not getting up and he crossed the room and opened the door.

"Emma, hi,"

"Hi, Joey. Is Craig here?"

"Yeah, he's right here. Come in,"

Emma, staring at me, her eyes all red and puffy. She'd been crying. I'm sure Joey noticed. She stood with her hands on her hips and looked at me. I glanced at her and then looked away.

"Craig, can we go somewhere and talk?"

I sighed. She wanted to lecture me about something. I screwed up. I knew, I knew I did. I didn't need her to tell me. But whatever.

"Sure, yeah," I said, and stood up, went to the garage with Emma behind me. I sat on the couch there, slumped back, my legs out straight, sighed again. _C'mon, Emma, get your little lecture over with._

"Craig, uh, Manny's dead,"

"What?"

"Yeah, she's dead. She had anesthesia when she had the abortion and, well, there's a risk with that and she, she died,"

I stared at her, my mouth open. Manny was dead? It didn't seem like it could be true.


	3. Chapter 3

Emma…

I saw Craig's face crumple and I felt so bad for him. He looked up at me with such devastation that it was hard to look at.

"Wh-What?" he said, and I noticed the slight stammer. So I told him again. I still couldn't believe it myself. It didn't seem like Manny was gone. My best friend for all these years and she was gone. And I got mad at Craig. He'd just met her, he didn't know her practically his whole life like I did. And if he'd used a condom like he was supposed to she'd still be here.

Craig…

Emma had left and I just sat there in the garage on that couch, dazed. Dead? My mom, my dad, Manny. I felt like it was bad luck to get close to me. Everyone died. I'd probably have to tell Joey now. He'd find out about the pregnancy and abortion now for sure. Of course he would. Spike would know, and Mr. Simpson, and they'd tell him. Oh God, what would he do to me?

Emma…

I've never felt so lonely. Manny was so much a part of my life, so much a part of things. She was the one who knew everything about me. I felt like there was no one who knew me now. I had no one to talk to. No one could take her place. It was starting to register that she was gone. The numb frozen cocoon thing I'd been wrapped in ever since my mom told me she was dead was starting to go away. What pain was in store?

Walked, ran, trying to outrace myself and my thoughts. Craig must have a pretty good idea of what was coming, since his parents died. He's been through grief of this magnitude. Not me. No one's died on me yet, well, up until now.

Craig…

I went in the house, and saw Joey cleaning up a little in the kitchen. Took a deep breath. Shit.

"Joey?" He turned and looked at me, the questioning raising of his eyebrows, the sponge in his hand, the light reflecting off of his watch. I noticed all the little details. That's what happens when this grief starts, things narrow down for me. I can't see the big picture.

"Yeah?" His voice kind of gentle. My dad never sounded like that, even when he was trying to be nice. I felt the lingering sorrow for my dad. I missed him, too.

"Uh, I have to tell you something…" I sat at the kitchen table, stared at the rings left from some cups. My dad hated that kind of thing, sometimes it made him so angry, but Joey didn't care.

"What is it?" Joey sat down at the table with me, and I heard sharp concern in his voice. I couldn't look at him.

"It's Manny, uh, Manny, she…she uh…"

I couldn't seem to say it. Saying it would make it more real. I still couldn't look at him. I noticed the wood grain in the table, the dull shine, the dark line where the leaf could fit in. Noticed the salt and pepper shakers, ceramic elves sitting on pale green balls. Weird. Where'd Joey get those?

"Craig, what is it?" I looked up at him then, saw the concern in his eyes. I licked my lips. I had to tell him. I couldn't just not tell him.

"Manny died,"


	4. Chapter 4

Craig…

"Oh my God, Craig. How? How did she die?" Joey and all his words. I could barely hear him. But some of it got through. That one word. The only one that mattered. How. I wanted to lie. Lying was my modus operendi. I'd always lied to my dad about everything. Lying saved me from being hit so many times. I wasn't adjusting my behavior to living with Joey, I knew I wasn't. But I couldn't lie about this. He'd find out sooner or later anyway. Too many people knew.

"She had an abortion, and something went wrong, but Joey…" He was giving me that look. I could see the light in his eyes that meant he was getting it. I hung my head.

"Craig, it…it wasn't yours, was it?"

Shit. I couldn't interpret his tone. Was he mad? Did he kind of understand?

"Yeah," I wasn't looking at him. I couldn't think. All I could see was those weird salt and pepper shakers on the table, the way the light shone on them because they were ceramic.

"But Joey, I wanted her to have it, to keep it. I didn't want her to get that abortion, and I didn't mean for any of this to happen…" I was just so lost. Tears were spilling down my cheeks. For this I deserved to be hit. I almost wished someone would. Instead Joey came over to me and hugged me, rubbed my back and said it was okay.

Emma…

I wanted someone to blame. Couldn't blame Manny, since she was dead. Well, I could blame her. She was so breathtakingly stupid sometimes. What was she doing having sex with Craig for, anyway? He was Ashley's boyfriend, number one. Number two, she wasn't dating him or anything. They had no commitment. It was wrong on so many levels. Then if she had to have sex what about safety? Pregnancy and STD's and all of that? Where was her head?

No, no. The one to blame was Craig. He was cheating on Ashley, Manny wasn't cheating on anyone. So the moral culpability lies with Craig. And he should have had a condom. But what did blame matter? It wouldn't change the outcome now.

Craig…

I didn't want to go to school. But Joey wouldn't let me stay home.

"You should go, Craig, I really think you should just go," he said. I didn't want to face people there.

He drove me to school after we dropped off Ang, and I gave him one last pleading look. But he shook his head.

"You've got to face it sooner or later, Craig," he said. I guess he was right. It just didn't make it any easier. So I got out of the car and just looked down, stared at my sneakers as I walked. I could hear everyone around me, talking, yelling, the normal before school noise. I hoped they wouldn't notice me. That no one would talk to me.

"Craig!" I was grabbed by the arm and spun around and when I looked up it was Spinner. He had that look of puzzled concern. I shook free from his grasp.

"Craig, dude, I just heard about Manny," All I could do was stare at him. This was how it was going to be all day. I couldn't stay here today. There was just no way.


End file.
